me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
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I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
INTERVIEWER: tell me about a time you refused to compromise
ME: no
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Just ordered me some pizza!
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
If my dog’s front feet move while he’s asleep then I know he’s dreaming about playing the piano. If it’s his back feet, tap dancing.