*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
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Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?
Parents, when you go to the bathroom don’t forget to lock the door so your kids can show you what it would be like if zombies were trying to break down your door in an apocalypse.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
“No way.” -Jose
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
My kids said I don’t scare them so I just threatened to replace their phones with a set of encyclopedias and now everyone is crying.
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint