*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
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officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what’s your location
me: i’m in the cockpit
control tower: i mean where is the airplane
me: mainly behind me
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
I was mowing the lawn and a frog just appeared out of nowhere and threw himself under the mower. Guess he wanted to Kermit suicide.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
My bf: talking of politics, real world issues, upcoming events.
Me: do you think donkeys like the sound they make?
reasons why people don’t want to return to offices:
-unpaid travel
-packing lunch
-the bear in the conference room
-dress codes
-the bear stole my lunch
-someone help
-my boss told me to take it up with hr
-it’s eating my sandwich
-code switching
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
new record!