*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
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if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”
So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.