*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
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Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
A double negative is a big no-no.
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
ROUGH WEATHER
whoa better pack an umbrella
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.