gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
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Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
There are two versions of every story and the drunk one is usually the better one
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Her: I like a man who鈥檚 environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Wife: I took a pregnancy test
Me: positive?
Wife: yes Graham, I’m sure I pissed on a stick
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
A girl on TikTok just said she is wearing her aunts vintage top from the early 2000鈥檚 and I鈥檓 dead.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
*Buys a bunch of wooden letters*
Cashier: Feeling crafty?
Me: Nope, just trying to make a name for myself.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
There鈥檚 so much going on 馃槀馃槀馃槀
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other鈥檚 sentences
WARDEN: no
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.