Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
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[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work
“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Brew coffee. Chill coffee. Use coffee instead of water to make Twice-Brewed Coffee. Win Nobel Prize. Begin to glow, levitate. Eat building.
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.