Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
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Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
Gods work.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Lube but for my dry humor.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
when ppl hold the baby and the baby cries & parents say “oh he’s just tired,” we’re lying, the baby really does hate you
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day