[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
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Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
H: “Whatcha doing?”
Me: “Going on twitter to hang out.”
H: “Twitter is an app, not a place.”
Me: *whispers venomously* “Is too a place!!”
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
How dude HOW?!
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.