There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
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Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
My son just chose his university, which means for the next five years I’ll have two kids attending college.
Naturally, this morning I did some financial planning…marking the convenience stores I plan to rob.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily