[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
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why isn’t he texting back
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
If I get to Heaven the first thing I’m going to ask God is if I should have tipped on carryout orders or not
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
One time I got fired for being too drunk. Not for being drunk. For being too drunk. I miss that place.