My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
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My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?
When a movie has an exorcist, some demons are in for a bad time, but not at first.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶
Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
I know karate and tons of other words.
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
🦝🔥🦝🔥
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]