Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
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Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
“Snowmageddon”? We can do better, Twitter.
#SnowCountryForOldMen
#ISnowWhatYouDidLastWinter
#SnowMommaFromTheTrain
#Snowverfield
[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Judging by this sunburn, I’d say the sunscreen I lathered on earlier was SPF goddamn liar.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.