@PaperWash: Getting a text from someone when I'm trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
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@juliussharpe: Fun tip - instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you're sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.
@DumbConfessions: Relationship status: can't go to the same bar as last night, because I'm wearing the same shirt as last night.
@ProdigyNelson: Me: hey girl r u an earthquake Her: aw bc I rock ur world? Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence