Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
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i really liked this one
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Swarming gnats, but instead of annoying you, they provide compliments. “You look pretty.” “Dinner was delicious.” “Way to handle that difficult coworker, Chris. We hate her.”
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
All generalizations are stupid.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Ya know when you buy a bag of of salad and it gets all brown and crusty…. cookies don’t do that
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
a lot to unpack here
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them