@AllyBallyBeal: Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
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@ericsshadow: 7yr old: The Tooth Fairy didn't come last night. *wipes tear* Me: Sorry sweetie, she probably got drunk and passed out on the couch.
@ramenfuneral: that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse
@LeBearGirdle: *speed dating* I'm a competitive eater! Date: Are you any good? [grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask