@AllyBallyBeal: Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
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@JohnnyBrash: 4: Where did I come from? Me: Mommy's belly. 4: How'd I get there? Me: I, uh...put you there? 4: How did you... Me: WHO WANTS ICE CREAM?!
@envydatropic: My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
@marcia_bee: Imagine me in bed. Wrong. Wetter. Wrong again. Wetter. Wrong AGAIN! Soaking wet. This leaky roof is gonna cost me a fortune to fix!