@AllyBallyBeal: Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
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@TheHyyyype: ME: mom we're out of eggs again! MOM: it's ok, there's cereal [later] ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor's house* this sucks
@iAmDelFreaky: In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
@gobmentcheese: I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, "I read what you said on the internet."
@urgeekisshowing: I'm writing a horror story. It's about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it's ok to talk to her. So much blood.