Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
You Might Also Like
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.