Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
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Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
It takes two months to get fat and two years to get in shape.
Science is a lie.
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
I like how this car asks me if it’s safe to move in reverse.
WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS GETTING MARRIED???
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.