*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
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The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
my fav colour is also hitler
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.