[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
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Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
Warning to ppl who drink & drive, yday while driving, frnd took his arm out to indicate right turn & someone took his beer.
Rascals! #txt
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
My 3yo isn’t very original when it comes to naming his stuffed animals… Kitty, Brown Bear, Bunny, etc. So why should I be surprised he named the turtle “Turdy?”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it