Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
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So many pants.
So little yoga.
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
saving face 👀
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
My resume is really just a list of shit I hope I never have to do again.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.