Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
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me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game
“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.