[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
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I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
Sending in my taxes
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I just bedazzled my twitter handle on a jean jacket in case anybody wants to beat me up in person.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
People who say “the future is now” don’t understand how time works.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time
[High Stakes Poker]
Dealer: Are you in or are you out?
Schrödinger’s Cat: [For the 20th time]
BOTH
[Player flips table]
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”