*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
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Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
No one
Absolutely no one
My kid: when you die, can I keep your brain in a jar?
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
When a celebrity tweets a whiny complaint at an airline, I vigilantly pray for them to get stranded on a runway for 72 hours.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
I’m not average. I’m mean.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant