Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
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[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
This is enough internet for the day.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
My new puppy is training and gets treats for doing well. My older dog gets treats as well, for, you know…supervising.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?