Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
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occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
6: no
M: oh for the bath?
6: no
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
I told the hubs someone must’ve broke in and stole his phone charger.
He’ll believe that before he’ll agree he misplaced it somewhere.
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
[At job interview]
Interviewer: Do you have a police record?
Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette
*hires me instantly
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
“Where do babies comes from?”
Well, son, when a man and a woman love each other very much they make poor decisions.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I’m slowly replacing people in my life with different snack foods.
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
“the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog”:
-overdone
-juvenile
-has no impact or weight to it“sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow”
-holy shit
-literally the most metal way to test out your font
-raw as hell
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.