[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
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@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
Right on, adults who are excited for Halloween. I too get excited about things meant for kids. Last week I lost my shit because I saw a frog
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.
Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.