[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
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if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria