{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
My wife just had to explain to our 5yo that you “don’t put butter in a smoothie”
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Little Known Fact:
Bon Jovi has five brothers: Bon Joi, Bon Joii, Bon Joiii, Bon Joiv and Bon Jov
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol