[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
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My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
My husband has short term memory problems so I’ve stopped brushing my hair.
That way he thinks we’ve already had sex & leaves me alone.
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!