[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
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I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.
Erm…
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.