*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
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Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I don’t drink. This means when I do karaoke, it’s on purpose.
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know