“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
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Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Why do they call it sweeping the leg and not defeeting your opponent?
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Me: is it too late for an epidural?
doctor: ma’am, he’s 11 years old
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Told my landlord I was leaving for Los Angeles and he’s being very supportive
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.