@starwarsshirt: "Getting fat" is absolutely a legitimate response to "what have you been up to?"
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@djdarrellripley: Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants. Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
@somelightcrying: [think of idiom] firing on all cylinders [post tweet w/ idiom + literal interpretation] mr. on all cylinders, ur fired [wait for 100+ faves]
@JediGigi: [a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off] Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!