Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
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No Google it does not
They got a point!
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
Love thy neighbor’s dog
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.