Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
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I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
not for long
Smashing piñatas blindfolded but it’s just me being outside during the flying insect seasons.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money