[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
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How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
Yes I’m doing it wrong but I’m doing it wrong in the right way.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
One Oscars rule that I have is when you say “TO MY PARENTS UP THERE”, you should have to clarify whether they are dead or in the balcony
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me