Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
You Might Also Like
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
A duv-egg? In this economy?
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.