Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
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Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.
My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Bless you
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Doormats are a gateway rug.