@breeinthestee: Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you're sprouting tinsel instead.
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@Bob_Heller: You might want to read all of my tweets... so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
@onion_an: Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant Me: Oh my god [later that day] Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That's for inventing milk