@breeinthestee: Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you're sprouting tinsel instead.
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@InternetHippo: [i get a phone call] "Hi we'd like to talk to you about your tweets" ME: Wow thank you but I don't do interviews "This is the police"
@rockymomax: [wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands] Oh dear god not again
@MartaEffing: Turns out you have to *tell* a guy you're going out, otherwise you just end up standing on his doorstep wondering why he's in his sweats.