[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
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If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
When he asks for feet pics
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.