[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
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Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
Someone hacked into my dominos account and redeemed my free pizza
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
I’ve always been such a “waiting for the other shoe to drop” type of girl.
I’ve decided I’m now going to be the “throw the shoe at your head and run first” kind of girl.
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET