[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
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When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
My patience has stretch marks.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
[1st date]
HER: I like a guy with good Southern values
ME: [trying to impress her] I was raised by penguins
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
May I pay you handsomely, good sir?
-Why yes you may.
*opens wallet*
*pulls out Ryan Gosling*
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
Kidnapping is a dumb crime because you’re literally forcing yourself to hang out with someone
What a year we’ve had this week.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
My rap name is “NO PLANZ.”
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER