Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
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My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[birthday party]
*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*
me: *dejectedly puts down fork*
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!