Getting married is easy, staying married is hard.
Just ask my girlfriend, her husband drives her crazy.
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It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
*turns around in chair dramatically*
Hello…
*chair turns around again*
…I’ve been expecting you…
*again*
…, Repair-Man.
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Two glasses of wine and ordering online groceries is essentially clubbing and the bouncer is whether or not I know my credit card expiration date without standing up
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?