Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
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My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
brian had himself a morning…
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad