@theevilwriter: Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn't going to get my floors washed.
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@tchrquotes: Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die. Me: So? You're going to die, and he had you.
@LindaInDisguise: 13YO: Why's he happy? He got dog-piled. Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down. Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
@myonlymizztake: When a CW is coming out of the men's room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that's the polite thing to do.
@vapidaccount: ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them...lipstick melts.