Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
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I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
A couple who are silly together stay together.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.