GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
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My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
I call my office the playoffs because the best performers work longer while the poor performers go home.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.