“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
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I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Happy Friday
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.