If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
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If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[playing chess]
FRIEND: [moves within striking distance of king] Jumanji
ME: no you say check haha
[sound of clattering hooves increases]
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
thank god the sign was there
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.