@Dee_Aye_Bee: *getting murdered* First time? *sighs* You'll want to lacerate my abdominal aorta. *sighs, puts hand on the bottom of my ribcage* It's here.
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@KizerBillhelm: My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I'm blinded by whiteness.
@Jeff_G_Nixon: [barber shop] BARBER: what can we do for you today? MEDUSA: well.. [removes hat] BARBER: MEDUSA: BARBER: so do you want more or less snakes?
@darinlovesbacon: I'm not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don't give them lunch or breakfast
@koalaslament: I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they're in the middle of a race.