@Dee_Aye_Bee: *getting murdered* First time? *sighs* You'll want to lacerate my abdominal aorta. *sighs, puts hand on the bottom of my ribcage* It's here.
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@Tmoney68: Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
@yayraptor: [at a bar] me: hey girl are u a wanted criminal girl: no me: oh ok [to a group of cops] shes not here, search the other building
@CrystalMoon214: Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don't know they have? a.k.a. "Running Man","Mustang Bob", "Blue truck dude"
@hazelmotes1: I constantly google "how to put your kids up for adoption" so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I'm not messing around.