@hipoctogenarian: *Getting murdered* omg I have the exact same knives
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@briancthayer: [Halloween] Lady: what are you this this year? Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I'm at 10% and it's only 7pm. Lady: *faints*
@callie_cakes: Ex picked up the kids, brought me coffee & took out my trash. This divorce thing is really working out for me.
@DanMentos: [signing birth certificate] wife: you put Owen, right? me: yup nurse: Now we'll just need a footprint from little [reading] "Owned"
@internetluke: A modern recasting of Moses floating down a river in a wicker basket but it's a soccer mom forgetting her baby on the roof of her van.