@hipoctogenarian: *Getting murdered* omg I have the exact same knives
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@GoldenSpirals: My neighbour left her outdoor stereo blaring & went out for the night. I now have a set of speakers for sale, minus the wires. Call me.
@HatfieldAnne: Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: "DON'T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!"
@KalvinMacleod: Their palms are sweaters, knees sweatery, arms are sweaters. There's more sweater on their sweater already.
@MoistPork: Men: Don't lie to your woman, she'll catch you. Don't tell her the truth, she'll be pissed. Just pray for a brick to fall on your head.