@hipoctogenarian: *Getting murdered* omg I have the exact same knives
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@SamGrittner: If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, "this'll do"
@OneFunnyMummy: The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, "Don't get me anything for Christmas."
@jergarl: Wife: Were you drunk last night? Me:*recalls ordering 59 tacos and losing them* A little, why? W:*opens sock drawer full of tacos M: Ohhh
@sexualjumanji: my girl 7'9 we got in a fight last night she put my car keys in a birds nest in a tree i cant reach them please help me