The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
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Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Fun fact: The worst time to suffer a heart attack is while playing charades.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
I asked my daughter to make me a Pinterest board of what she’d like to redecorate her room and I just opened it up to see nothing but a bunch of pictures of people holding fistfuls of cash
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”