Holy shit he’s back
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Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
#SuperBowl
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
File under excellent bookstore names.
just a heads up. i will be running around the house. as fast as possible. for the next 15 seconds. i will have no regard for furniture. or any individuals in my way. when i am done. do not ask me why i have done this. because i do not know
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
You know you have a good therapist when he takes his shoes off, curls up in the chair with snacks and says, “next session is free, this story is too good.”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Clerk: we’re not that kind of mom and pop shop
Batman: *eyes welling*